A little girl came home from school and said to her mother, “Mommy, today in school I was punished for something that I didn’t do.”
The mother exclaimed, “But that’s terrible! I’m going to have a talk with your teacher about this … by the way, what was it that you didn’t do?”
The little girl replied, “My homework.”
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“Isn’t the principal a dummy!” said a boy to a girl.
“Say, do you know who I am?” asked the girl.
“No.”
“I’m the principal’s daughter.”
“And do you know who I am?” asked the boy.
“No,” she replied.
“Thank goodness!”
This is how blondes use their laptop
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stuck on an island. For years, they live there, and one day they find a magic lamp. They rub it, and sure enough, out comes a genie. The genie says “since I can only give out 3 wishes, you may each have one” So the brunette goes first, “I have been stuck here for years, I miss my family and my husband and my life – I just want to go home.” POOF, she is gone. The redhead makes her wish, “This place sucks, I want to go home too.” POOF, she
is gone. The blonde starts crying uncontrollably. The genie asks, “What is the matter?” The blonde said, “I wish my friends were here.”
There are three ladies working together in the same office – a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. After a while, they begin to notice that each day their boss, who is also female, leaves work early.
After this pattern continued for a few weeks, one day they decide that as soon as their boss takes off they’ll leave right after her; after all, she never comes back or calls so how would she know? So, after their boss takes off they all leave as planned.
The brunette was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at her spa before meeting her dinner date. The redhead was thrilled to be home early; she did a little gardening and went to bed early.
As for the blonde, she was so happy to finally come home early for once. But when she got to her bedroom she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly, quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with HER BOSS! Ever so gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house without saying a word.
The next day during their coffee break, the brunette and redhead mentioned leaving early again and asked the blonde if she wanted to go with them.
“NO WAY!” The blonde exclaimed, “I damn near got caught yesterday!”
One day, a blonde named Sally was putting together a puzzle. She was really stumped and very frustrated, so she decided to ask her husband for help.
“It’s supposed to be a tiger!” Sally cried.
“Honey,” said Dan, “Put the Frosted Flakes back in the box!”
Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the redhead happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers.
She sighs and says, “Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again, for no reason.”
The blonde looks quizzically at her and says, What’s the big deal, don’t you like getting flowers?”
The red head says, “Oh sure, but he always has expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don’t feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air.”
The blonde says “Don’t you have a vase?”
A recent survey was conducted to discover why blondes get out of bed in the middle of the night:
– 5% said it was to get a glass of water.
– 12% said it was to go to the toilet.
– 83% said it was to go home.
The veterinarian told the blonde that her dog needed some exercise.
“You need to make sure this dog runs around,” the doctor said.
“Try playing a game of fetch with him.”
“I can’t play fetch with my dog,” the blonde said. “Why not?” the doctor asked.
“Because,” she replied, “He can’t throw.”
Fifteen minutes into the flight from Kansas City to Toronto, the captain announced, “Ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines has failed. There is nothing to worry about. Our flight will take an hour longer than scheduled, but we still have three engines left.”
Thirty minutes later the captain announced, “One more engine has failed and the flight will take an additional two hours. But don’t worry … we can fly just fine on two engines.”
An hour later the captain announced, “One more engine has failed and our arrival will be delayed another three hours. But don’t worry … we still have one engine left.”
A young blonde passenger turned to the man in the next seat and remarked, “If we lose one more engine, we’ll be up here all day!”
A blonde who suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly, opens the door, and, sure enough, finds him naked in the arms of a redhead. Well, now she’s angry. She opens her purse and takes out the gun. But as she does so, she is overcome with grief and points the gun at her own head.
The boyfriend yells, “No, honey, don’t do it.”
“Shut up,” she says. “You’re next.”
Before launching the inaugural “Blonde Ambition Tour” column, which will run as reader submissions warrant, The Dot would like to make it clear that The Dot is not an anti-blonde-ite. The sole reason The Dot has chosen to run a column made up exclusively of blonde jokes is because they are funny – OK, and because The Dot’s boss is a blonde.
Incredible Coincidence
A blonde is crying her eyes out at work, and her boss asks what is wrong. “Early this morning, I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away,” the blonde says. “Why don’t you go home for the day?” the boss suggests. “Thanks, but I’d be better off here,” the blonde says. The boss leaves, and the blonde goes back to work. A couple of hours pass, and the boss looks out from his office and sees the blonde again crying hysterically. “Are you going to be OK?” he asks. “No,” says the blonde. “I just received a horrible call from my sister. Her mother died, too!”
Long Movie
Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death at the drive-in movie? They had gone to see “Closed for the Winter.”
Does Anyone Speak Blonde?
A plane is on its way to Houston, when a blonde in economy gets up and moves to first class. The flight attendant watches her do this, asks to see her ticket, and then tells her she will have to go back to economy. The blonde replies that she is not moving. At this point, the attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the captain. “You say she’s a blonde,” the captain says. “I’ll handle this. I’m married to a blonde. I speak blonde.” The captain goes back to the blonde, whispers something in her ear, and she immediately gets up and goes back to her seat in economy. The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed. “What did you say to make her move?” they ask. “Well,” says the captain, “I just told her first class isn’t going to Houston.”
God And Blondes
A down-on-her-luck blonde decides to pray to God: “God, please help me. I’ve lost my business, and if I don’t get some money, I’m going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery.” Lottery night comes, and somebody else wins.
She again prays. “God, please let me win the lottery! I’ve lost my business, my house, and I’m going to lose my car as well.” Lottery night comes, and she still has no luck.
Once again, she prays. “God, why have you forsaken me? I’ve lost my business, my house, my car, and my children are starving. I don’t often ask you for help, but please let me win the lottery just this one time so I can get my life back in order.”
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light, followed by the voice of God. “Sweetheart, work with me on this,” God says. “Go out and buy a ticket.”
Key Is Rolling The Rrrrrs
Two tourists are driving through Louisiana, and as they approach Natchitoches, they start arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argue back and forth until they stop for lunch. As they are standing at the counter, one tourist asks the blonde waiting on them, “Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are very slowly?” The blonde leans over the counter and says, “Burrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiiiiing.”
Roots Affect Rooting
A guy takes his blond girlfriend to her first football game. They have great seats right behind their team’s bench. After the game, he asks her how she liked it. “Oh, I really liked it,” she replies, “but I just couldn’t understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.” Confused, the blonde’s date asks, “What do you mean?” “Well, says the blonde, “they flipped a coin at the beginning, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: `Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!’ I’m like, helloooooo? It’s only 25 cents!”
Roll The Credits
Thanks to the following readers for contributing to this week’s Dot: Eleanor, Peggy, Jo and Joe, and Bolton. If you would like to be a Dot contributor, please send along jokes, websites, lists, anecdotes, brain teasers, whatever you find amusing to The Dot at thedot@courant.com. The only restrictions are that the submissions be short (particularly jokes) and sort of tasteful. To view previous Dot columns, go to http://www.ctnow.com/dot. And remember, the race doesn’t always go to the swiftest – or those with darker hair.
taken from courant
In response to last week’s all-blonde-jokes column – “The Blonde Ambition Tour” – The Dot anticipated angry letters from all manner of uptight blondes crying foul. In fact, The Dot did not receive any angry messages at all. Perhaps the reason blondes have more fun is because they have a good sense of humor.
Thoughts For The Day
Groaner Alert
Two brooms hanging in the same closet decided to get married. One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom. The wedding was lovely. Afterward, however, at the wedding dinner, the bride broom leaned over and said to the groom broom, “I think I am going to have a little whisk broom.” The groom broom was furious. “How is this possible?” he bellowed. “We haven’t even swept together.”
Loves Me, Loves Me Not
The Washington Post ran a contest in which readers were asked to write a two-line romantic poem with the second line being as un-romantic as the first line was romantic.
Marrying you screwed up my life.
That’s why I always wake up screaming.
This describes everything you are not.
That is, until I met your brother.
There was 3 girls, a blonde, a brunette, and a red head. and they found a pyramid. they read a tablet that said “this is the pyramid of 100 steps. if you
get to the top of it, you will get what you’ve wanted all your life. but be warned, every 5 steps a person will pop out and tell a joke, and if you laugh, you can never try again.”
so the brunette gets to the 5th step and laughs, so she could never try again.
the red head got to the 20th step and laughed, so she could never try again.
then the blonde got to the 99th step and laughed. then the guy who was going to tell the joke said “why did you laugh, i didnt tell the joke yet.” then the blonde said “i know, i laughed because i just got the first joke!”
At a dinner party, several of the guests were arguing whether men or women were more trustworthy. No woman, said one man, scornfully, can keep a secret.
I dont know about that, answered a blonde woman guest. I have kept my age a secret since I was twenty-one.
Youll let it out some day, the man insisted.
I hardly think so responded the blonde lady. When a woman has kept a secret for twenty-seven years, she can keep it forever.
A guy took his blonde girlfriend on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment: the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. They spend a fortune.
The first day they go fishing, but they don’t catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, the guy catches a fish.
As they’re driving home they’re really depressed. The guy turns to his girlfriend ans says, “Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred dollars?”
The girlfriend says, “Wow! It’s a good thing we didn’t catch any more!”
A blonde reports for her university final exam which consists of mainly true and false questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet: true for heads and false for tails. Within thirty minutes she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is still working furiously.
During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is happening.
“I finished the exam in a half hour,” she replies. “And as I have more time left, I’m rechecking my answers.”
One day, a blonde named Sally was putting together a puzzle. She was really stumped and very frustrated, so she decided to ask her husband for help.
“It’s supposed to be a tiger!” Sally cried.
“Honey,” said Dan, “Put the Frosted Flakes back in the box!”
Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the redhead happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers.
She sighs and says, “Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again, for no reason.”
The blonde looks quizzically at her and says, What’s the big deal, don’t you like getting flowers?”
The red head says, “Oh sure, but he always has expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don’t feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air.”
The blonde says “Don’t you have a vase?”
A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when she accidentally cut off a large truck. The driver was outraged and was eventually able to make her pull over.
He got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the side of the road and gruffly commanded to the blonde in his most threatening voice, “Stand in that circle and DON’T MOVE!”
He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats.
When he turned around she had a slight grin on her face, so he said, “Oh you think that’s funny? Watch this!”
He gets a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every window in her car.
When he turns and looks at her she has a smile on her face.
Now he’s getting really mad. He gets his knife back out and slices all her tires.
Now she’s laughing.
The truck driver is really starting to lose it. He goes back to his truck and gets an extra can of diesel fuel, pours it on her car and sets it on fire.
He turns around and she is laughing so hard she is about to fall down.
“What’s so funny?” the truck driver asked the blonde.
She replied, “Every time you weren’t looking, I stepped outside the circle!”
Blonde Jokes - too funny to hold 