Blond derision

“If I have only one life to live, let me live it as a blond.” — 1960s Clairol commercial

Did you hear the one about how you make a blond laugh on Monday? Tell her a joke on Friday.

Two decades after Suzanne Somers’s classic ditzy blond of Three’s Company fame left the airwaves, “dumb blond” jokes continue to proliferate. Don’t believe me? Hang around a high school or surf the web.

As illustrated in The Blonde Mystique, airing Sunday at 7 p.m. (ET/PT) on W Network, stereotypes persist about the archetypal blond — a head-turner as envied as she is ridiculed, lusted after and, in Hollywood, put on a pedestal.

She can be perceived as hot, seductive, slutty, evil, a bimbo, fun-loving, fertile or glamorous.

It has been 50 years since Marilyn Monroe, having had her light brown hair dyed to become a blond bombshell, sizzled alongside Jane Russell as a diamond-loving showgirl in Gentlemen Prefer Blondes.

Indeed, the musical-comedy classic’s title reflects an ongoing reality in an industry that has long exploited blonds.

Alfred Hitchcock famously loved casting actresses of a certain hair colour as elegant or icy blonds — gorgeous Grace Kelly in Rear Window, for instance, and Eva-Marie Saint in North by Northwest.

Platinum-tressed screen goddesses ruled in Hollywood’s heyday with the likes of Mae West, Jean Harlow and Jayne Mansfield before Monroe moved into the limelight — most memorably as blond bimbo Sugar Kane in Billy Wilder’s Some Like It Hot.

Stereotypes have since been perpetuated in movies like Victor, Victoria through Lesley Anne Warren’s scene-stealing portrayal of a dumb blond moll; L.A. Confidential, featuring Kim Basinger’s Oscar-winning portrayal of a femme fatale; and Chicago, with Renee Zellweger’s portrayal of Roxie Hart, the homicidal blond who exploits her ditzy charms.

Hollywood’s blond ambition continues unabated with a profusion of hot blonds — Reese Witherspoon, Jessica Simpson, Gwyneth Paltrow, Scarlett Johansson, Pamela Anderson, etc. Many have parlayed their tresses into lucrative franchises like Legally Blonde and Legally Blonde 2: Red, White and Blonde, starring Witherspoon as a pink-loving, not-so-ditzy legal eagle.

Then there are the golden-haired comediennes who got the last laugh. Goldie Hawn evolved from a bubbly TV sketch-show bimbo to an A-list actress-turned-producer; Lisa Kudrow made a fortune playing ditzy Phoebe on Friends.

Why does hair colour matter so much, and why should we care? It seems like a trivial topic but The Blonde Mystique — narrated and directed by Sally Aitken — playfully reveals there’s more to being blond than meets the eye.

Her one-hour documentary, co-written with James Dunnison, is a fascinating, fact-studded and inventively crafted exploration of whether there is such a thing as a “blond mystique.”

Framed by colourful comic-strip imagery, it’s an engaging blend of humour, factoids — most amusingly in History of the Blonde, a faux retro recap — and interviews on why we perceive blondness, a double-edged sword, a certain way.

There’s no question colouring your hair can affect how others perceive you.

Notes Hugh Hefner, editor-in-chief of Playboy: “I think the fact blonds want to be blond by choice is probably an indication of how they want to have more fun.”

There’s a downside to becoming a blond for the obvious “perks” because of false appearance-based preconceptions, however.

“When they sign up to be pretty they also sign up to be dumb,” says Natalie Ilyan, author of Blonde Like Me.

Brunettes Angela Case and Karen Holness, and blond Aubrey Arnason — a Charlie’s Angels-type trio of intrepid sleuths — gamely prove such preconceptions through on-the-street interviews and in field tests at bars and on the side of a highway.

“I’m not blond. They’re not stopping,” laments Angela during a sequence where each poses as a damsel-in-distress with a broken-down car to determine how hair colour affects how many offers of help they’ll get.

Amazingly, only two cars stop to help Angela and Karen. Blond Aubrey attracts seven offers.

“Maybe because I’m a blond I don’t understand it,” quips Aubrey, questioning why blonds get so much attention.

For the ultimate test, Angela and Karen change their hair colour to become blonds; and Aubrey becomes a brunette.

“People want to explain things more thoroughly to me,” observes Karen, while Aubrey is now taken more seriously.

Remarkably, average guesses of their ages drop to 26 for newly blond Karen, 33, and to 24 for Angela, 28.

Within this colourful collage of vintage hair care ads, pop culture icons, archival film footage and opinion, we’re reminded that Cleopatra, a brunette, was often portrayed as a blond until Elizabeth Taylor played her; that fairy tale heroines Goldilocks, Rapunzel and Cinderella were fair-haired; and that a blond covergirl can sell twice as many magazines as a brunette.

It’s way more than Aitken imagined when she embarked on her quest into the heart of blondness.

“Once you scratch the surface you realize we’re all subscribing to this mythology and behaviour deeply embedded in our evolution,” she says. “You start off thinking it’s just about hair colour, but there’s so much more meaning.”

Oh — and one more thing.

“Everyone’s got a good blond joke.”

written by merid

The Dot Is Not An Anti-blonde-ite

Before launching the inaugural “Blonde Ambition Tour” column, which will run as reader submissions warrant, The Dot would like to make it clear that The Dot is not an anti-blonde-ite. The sole reason The Dot has chosen to run a column made up exclusively of blonde jokes is because they are funny – OK, and because The Dot’s boss is a blonde.

Incredible Coincidence

A blonde is crying her eyes out at work, and her boss asks what is wrong. “Early this morning, I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away,” the blonde says. “Why don’t you go home for the day?” the boss suggests. “Thanks, but I’d be better off here,” the blonde says. The boss leaves, and the blonde goes back to work. A couple of hours pass, and the boss looks out from his office and sees the blonde again crying hysterically. “Are you going to be OK?” he asks. “No,” says the blonde. “I just received a horrible call from my sister. Her mother died, too!”

Long Movie

Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death at the drive-in movie? They had gone to see “Closed for the Winter.”

Does Anyone Speak Blonde?

A plane is on its way to Houston, when a blonde in economy gets up and moves to first class. The flight attendant watches her do this, asks to see her ticket, and then tells her she will have to go back to economy. The blonde replies that she is not moving. At this point, the attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the captain. “You say she’s a blonde,” the captain says. “I’ll handle this. I’m married to a blonde. I speak blonde.” The captain goes back to the blonde, whispers something in her ear, and she immediately gets up and goes back to her seat in economy. The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed. “What did you say to make her move?” they ask. “Well,” says the captain, “I just told her first class isn’t going to Houston.”

God And Blondes

A down-on-her-luck blonde decides to pray to God: “God, please help me. I’ve lost my business, and if I don’t get some money, I’m going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery.” Lottery night comes, and somebody else wins.

She again prays. “God, please let me win the lottery! I’ve lost my business, my house, and I’m going to lose my car as well.” Lottery night comes, and she still has no luck.

Once again, she prays. “God, why have you forsaken me? I’ve lost my business, my house, my car, and my children are starving. I don’t often ask you for help, but please let me win the lottery just this one time so I can get my life back in order.”

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light, followed by the voice of God. “Sweetheart, work with me on this,” God says. “Go out and buy a ticket.”

Key Is Rolling The Rrrrrs

Two tourists are driving through Louisiana, and as they approach Natchitoches, they start arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argue back and forth until they stop for lunch. As they are standing at the counter, one tourist asks the blonde waiting on them, “Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are very slowly?” The blonde leans over the counter and says, “Burrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiiiiing.”

Roots Affect Rooting

A guy takes his blond girlfriend to her first football game. They have great seats right behind their team’s bench. After the game, he asks her how she liked it. “Oh, I really liked it,” she replies, “but I just couldn’t understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.” Confused, the blonde’s date asks, “What do you mean?” “Well, says the blonde, “they flipped a coin at the beginning, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: `Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!’ I’m like, helloooooo? It’s only 25 cents!”

Roll The Credits

Thanks to the following readers for contributing to this week’s Dot: Eleanor, Peggy, Jo and Joe, and Bolton. If you would like to be a Dot contributor, please send along jokes, websites, lists, anecdotes, brain teasers, whatever you find amusing to The Dot at thedot@courant.com. The only restrictions are that the submissions be short (particularly jokes) and sort of tasteful. To view previous Dot columns, go to http://www.ctnow.com/dot. And remember, the race doesn’t always go to the swiftest – or those with darker hair.

taken from courant

Pyramid Of Jokes

There was 3 girls, a blonde, a brunette, and a red head. and they found a pyramid. they read a tablet that said “this is the pyramid of 100 steps. if you
get to the top of it, you will get what you’ve wanted all your life. but be warned, every 5 steps a person will pop out and tell a joke, and if you laugh, you can never try again.”

so the brunette gets to the 5th step and laughs, so she could never try again.

the red head got to the 20th step and laughed, so she could never try again.

then the blonde got to the 99th step and laughed. then the guy who was going to tell the joke said “why did you laugh, i didnt tell the joke yet.” then the blonde said “i know, i laughed because i just got the first joke!”

Keeping A Secret

At a dinner party, several of the guests were arguing whether men or women were more trustworthy. No woman, said one man, scornfully, can keep a secret.

I dont know about that, answered a blonde woman guest. I have kept my age a secret since I was twenty-one.

Youll let it out some day, the man insisted.

I hardly think so responded the blonde lady. When a woman has kept a secret for twenty-seven years, she can keep it forever.

Going Fishing

A guy took his blonde girlfriend on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment: the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. They spend a fortune.

The first day they go fishing, but they don’t catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, the guy catches a fish.

As they’re driving home they’re really depressed. The guy turns to his girlfriend ans says, “Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred dollars?”

The girlfriend says, “Wow! It’s a good thing we didn’t catch any more!”

Blonde Exam

A blonde reports for her university final exam which consists of mainly true and false questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet: true for heads and false for tails. Within thirty minutes she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is still working furiously.

During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is happening.

“I finished the exam in a half hour,” she replies. “And as I have more time left, I’m rechecking my answers.”

Blonde Puzzle

One day, a blonde named Sally was putting together a puzzle. She was really stumped and very frustrated, so she decided to ask her husband for help.

“It’s supposed to be a tiger!” Sally cried.

“Honey,” said Dan, “Put the Frosted Flakes back in the box!”

Flower Curse

Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the redhead happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers.
She sighs and says, “Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again, for no reason.”
The blonde looks quizzically at her and says, What’s the big deal, don’t you like getting flowers?”
The red head says, “Oh sure, but he always has expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don’t feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air.”
The blonde says “Don’t you have a vase?”

The Circle

A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when she accidentally cut off a large truck. The driver was outraged and was eventually able to make her pull over.
He got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the side of the road and gruffly commanded to the blonde in his most threatening voice, “Stand in that circle and DON’T MOVE!”
He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats.
When he turned around she had a slight grin on her face, so he said, “Oh you think that’s funny? Watch this!”
He gets a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every window in her car.
When he turns and looks at her she has a smile on her face.
Now he’s getting really mad. He gets his knife back out and slices all her tires.
Now she’s laughing.
The truck driver is really starting to lose it. He goes back to his truck and gets an extra can of diesel fuel, pours it on her car and sets it on fire.
He turns around and she is laughing so hard she is about to fall down.
“What’s so funny?” the truck driver asked the blonde.
She replied, “Every time you weren’t looking, I stepped outside the circle!”

Blondes In Heaven

Two blondes meet in Heaven. “How did you die?”, the first one asks.”Oh! I died in a freezer,” the second blonde replied.” So how did you die?” The second blonde asks, “Well, I suspected my husband was having an affair, so one day when I came home early from work, I looked all over the house, trying to look for the other woman because I saw that my husband was naked. When I coming upstairs from searching the basement, I slipped and broke my neck. I never got to find that woman,” replied the first blonde. The second blonde then says, “If only you looked in the freezer, maybe we both might still have been alive!”

Getting Up

A recent survey was conducted to discover why blondes get out of bed in the middle of the night:

– 5% said it was to get a glass of water.

– 12% said it was to go to the toilet.

– 83% said it was to go home.

Playing Fetch

The veterinarian told the blonde that her dog needed some exercise.

“You need to make sure this dog runs around,” the doctor said.

“Try playing a game of fetch with him.”

“I can’t play fetch with my dog,” the blonde said. “Why not?” the doctor asked.

“Because,” she replied, “He can’t throw.”

Losing Engines

Fifteen minutes into the flight from Kansas City to Toronto, the captain announced, “Ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines has failed. There is nothing to worry about. Our flight will take an hour longer than scheduled, but we still have three engines left.”

Thirty minutes later the captain announced, “One more engine has failed and the flight will take an additional two hours. But don’t worry … we can fly just fine on two engines.”

An hour later the captain announced, “One more engine has failed and our arrival will be delayed another three hours. But don’t worry … we still have one engine left.”

A young blonde passenger turned to the man in the next seat and remarked, “If we lose one more engine, we’ll be up here all day!”