Acute Bed shortage…what if it happens in reality
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A little girl came home from school and said to her mother, “Mommy, today in school I was punished for something that I didn’t do.”
The mother exclaimed, “But that’s terrible! I’m going to have a talk with your teacher about this … by the way, what was it that you didn’t do?”
The little girl replied, “My homework.”
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“Isn’t the principal a dummy!” said a boy to a girl.
“Say, do you know who I am?” asked the girl.
“No.”
“I’m the principal’s daughter.”
“And do you know who I am?” asked the boy.
“No,” she replied.
“Thank goodness!”
- My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. “If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.”
- My mother taught me RELIGION. “You better pray that will come out of the carpet.”
- My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. “If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!”
- My mother taught me LOGIC. ” Because I said so, that’s why.”
- My mother taught me FORESIGHT. “Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident.”
- My mother taught me IRONY. “Keep crying, and I’ll give you something to cry about.”
- My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. “Shut your mouth and eat your supper.”
- My mother taught me about STAMINA. “You’ll sit there until all that spinach is gone.
- My mother taught me about WEATHER. “This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.
- My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. “If I told you once, I’ve told you a million times. Don’t exaggerate!”
- My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. “Just wait until we get home.
- My mother taught me about RECEIVING. “You are going to get it when you get home!”
- My mother taught me WISDOM. “When you get to be my age, you’ll understand.”
The following came from an anonymous Mother in Austin, Texas…
1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.
2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
3.) A 3-year old Boy’s voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20×20 ft. room.
5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn’t stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the words “uh oh”, it’s already too late.
8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9.) A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies.
10.) Certain Lego’s will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old Boy.
11.) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
12.) Super glue is forever.
13.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can’t walk on water.
14.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15.) VCR’s do not eject “PB & J” sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.
19.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.
20.) The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.
21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
22.) It will, however, make cats dizzy.
23.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
24.) 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.
25.) Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids.
Mostly Olny srmat poelpe can.
I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn’t mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.
Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stuck on an island. For years, they live there, and one day they find a magic lamp. They rub it, and sure enough, out comes a genie. The genie says “since I can only give out 3 wishes, you may each have one” So the brunette goes first, “I have been stuck here for years, I miss my family and my husband and my life – I just want to go home.” POOF, she is gone. The redhead makes her wish, “This place sucks, I want to go home too.” POOF, she
is gone. The blonde starts crying uncontrollably. The genie asks, “What is the matter?” The blonde said, “I wish my friends were here.”
There are three ladies working together in the same office – a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. After a while, they begin to notice that each day their boss, who is also female, leaves work early.
After this pattern continued for a few weeks, one day they decide that as soon as their boss takes off they’ll leave right after her; after all, she never comes back or calls so how would she know? So, after their boss takes off they all leave as planned.
The brunette was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at her spa before meeting her dinner date. The redhead was thrilled to be home early; she did a little gardening and went to bed early.
As for the blonde, she was so happy to finally come home early for once. But when she got to her bedroom she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly, quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with HER BOSS! Ever so gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house without saying a word.
The next day during their coffee break, the brunette and redhead mentioned leaving early again and asked the blonde if she wanted to go with them.
“NO WAY!” The blonde exclaimed, “I damn near got caught yesterday!”
One day, a blonde named Sally was putting together a puzzle. She was really stumped and very frustrated, so she decided to ask her husband for help.
“It’s supposed to be a tiger!” Sally cried.
“Honey,” said Dan, “Put the Frosted Flakes back in the box!”
Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the redhead happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers.
She sighs and says, “Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again, for no reason.”
The blonde looks quizzically at her and says, What’s the big deal, don’t you like getting flowers?”
The red head says, “Oh sure, but he always has expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don’t feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air.”
The blonde says “Don’t you have a vase?”
A recent survey was conducted to discover why blondes get out of bed in the middle of the night:
– 5% said it was to get a glass of water.
– 12% said it was to go to the toilet.
– 83% said it was to go home.
The veterinarian told the blonde that her dog needed some exercise.
“You need to make sure this dog runs around,” the doctor said.
“Try playing a game of fetch with him.”
“I can’t play fetch with my dog,” the blonde said. “Why not?” the doctor asked.
“Because,” she replied, “He can’t throw.”
Fifteen minutes into the flight from Kansas City to Toronto, the captain announced, “Ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines has failed. There is nothing to worry about. Our flight will take an hour longer than scheduled, but we still have three engines left.”
Thirty minutes later the captain announced, “One more engine has failed and the flight will take an additional two hours. But don’t worry … we can fly just fine on two engines.”
An hour later the captain announced, “One more engine has failed and our arrival will be delayed another three hours. But don’t worry … we still have one engine left.”
A young blonde passenger turned to the man in the next seat and remarked, “If we lose one more engine, we’ll be up here all day!”
A blonde who suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly, opens the door, and, sure enough, finds him naked in the arms of a redhead. Well, now she’s angry. She opens her purse and takes out the gun. But as she does so, she is overcome with grief and points the gun at her own head.
The boyfriend yells, “No, honey, don’t do it.”
“Shut up,” she says. “You’re next.”
Before launching the inaugural “Blonde Ambition Tour” column, which will run as reader submissions warrant, The Dot would like to make it clear that The Dot is not an anti-blonde-ite. The sole reason The Dot has chosen to run a column made up exclusively of blonde jokes is because they are funny – OK, and because The Dot’s boss is a blonde.
Incredible Coincidence
A blonde is crying her eyes out at work, and her boss asks what is wrong. “Early this morning, I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away,” the blonde says. “Why don’t you go home for the day?” the boss suggests. “Thanks, but I’d be better off here,” the blonde says. The boss leaves, and the blonde goes back to work. A couple of hours pass, and the boss looks out from his office and sees the blonde again crying hysterically. “Are you going to be OK?” he asks. “No,” says the blonde. “I just received a horrible call from my sister. Her mother died, too!”
Long Movie
Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death at the drive-in movie? They had gone to see “Closed for the Winter.”
Does Anyone Speak Blonde?
A plane is on its way to Houston, when a blonde in economy gets up and moves to first class. The flight attendant watches her do this, asks to see her ticket, and then tells her she will have to go back to economy. The blonde replies that she is not moving. At this point, the attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the captain. “You say she’s a blonde,” the captain says. “I’ll handle this. I’m married to a blonde. I speak blonde.” The captain goes back to the blonde, whispers something in her ear, and she immediately gets up and goes back to her seat in economy. The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed. “What did you say to make her move?” they ask. “Well,” says the captain, “I just told her first class isn’t going to Houston.”
God And Blondes
A down-on-her-luck blonde decides to pray to God: “God, please help me. I’ve lost my business, and if I don’t get some money, I’m going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery.” Lottery night comes, and somebody else wins.
She again prays. “God, please let me win the lottery! I’ve lost my business, my house, and I’m going to lose my car as well.” Lottery night comes, and she still has no luck.
Once again, she prays. “God, why have you forsaken me? I’ve lost my business, my house, my car, and my children are starving. I don’t often ask you for help, but please let me win the lottery just this one time so I can get my life back in order.”
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light, followed by the voice of God. “Sweetheart, work with me on this,” God says. “Go out and buy a ticket.”
Key Is Rolling The Rrrrrs
Two tourists are driving through Louisiana, and as they approach Natchitoches, they start arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argue back and forth until they stop for lunch. As they are standing at the counter, one tourist asks the blonde waiting on them, “Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are very slowly?” The blonde leans over the counter and says, “Burrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiiiiing.”
Roots Affect Rooting
A guy takes his blond girlfriend to her first football game. They have great seats right behind their team’s bench. After the game, he asks her how she liked it. “Oh, I really liked it,” she replies, “but I just couldn’t understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.” Confused, the blonde’s date asks, “What do you mean?” “Well, says the blonde, “they flipped a coin at the beginning, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: `Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!’ I’m like, helloooooo? It’s only 25 cents!”
Roll The Credits
Thanks to the following readers for contributing to this week’s Dot: Eleanor, Peggy, Jo and Joe, and Bolton. If you would like to be a Dot contributor, please send along jokes, websites, lists, anecdotes, brain teasers, whatever you find amusing to The Dot at thedot@courant.com. The only restrictions are that the submissions be short (particularly jokes) and sort of tasteful. To view previous Dot columns, go to http://www.ctnow.com/dot. And remember, the race doesn’t always go to the swiftest – or those with darker hair.
taken from courant
In response to last week’s all-blonde-jokes column – “The Blonde Ambition Tour” – The Dot anticipated angry letters from all manner of uptight blondes crying foul. In fact, The Dot did not receive any angry messages at all. Perhaps the reason blondes have more fun is because they have a good sense of humor.
Thoughts For The Day
Groaner Alert
Two brooms hanging in the same closet decided to get married. One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom. The wedding was lovely. Afterward, however, at the wedding dinner, the bride broom leaned over and said to the groom broom, “I think I am going to have a little whisk broom.” The groom broom was furious. “How is this possible?” he bellowed. “We haven’t even swept together.”
Loves Me, Loves Me Not
The Washington Post ran a contest in which readers were asked to write a two-line romantic poem with the second line being as un-romantic as the first line was romantic.
Marrying you screwed up my life.
That’s why I always wake up screaming.
This describes everything you are not.
That is, until I met your brother.
Blonde Jokes - too funny to hold 